When you don't know what to say ....

It is not often when I am at a loss for words.

However, I was at a loss for words this past Monday night after sharing with the Consistory my resignation as pastor of St. John's. What does one say at a time that is mixed with so many different emotions? As I scanned the room and looked into the eyes of so many different people I will miss, words escaped me.

I think that is why I haven't been blogging much these past few months - because I have been living with the possibility of a new position and all that entails, as well as the reality of the loss I will feel when I leave. Not only has it been a mix of feelings, but it has felt somewhat ingenuous to be blogging about my perceptions of ministry at St. John's without being forthright about where I am in regard to everything. I hope now that the news is out I can use this blog as a vehicle for sharing some of the things for which I am truly grateful @ 3rd & Mound.

Our Consistory meeting on Monday evening ended the way it always does. Our president invited us to stand, hold hands, and pray The Lord's Prayer. I thought about the many times I had prayed that very same prayer. Some times hastily, some times - like Monday - with a lump in my throat. When we don't know what to say, Jesus gives us the words ... "Our Father, who art in heaven ... "

What Tomorrow's Church Requires

This time last week the leadership of St. John's was meeting with David Schoen, Minister and Team Leader for the United Church of Christ. David spent time with us exploring what tomorrow's church will require. To help us get a sense of some of the cultural shifts that have been happening, he shared this video Did You Know? I have been thinking about these rapid cultural shifts as well as his presentation all week. We talked about the need for the church to be missional in purpose, relational in outreach, and conversational in witness.

Later in the week I had a couple of different conversations, each with individuals who question the role of the church in their lives and struggle with the strict dogma of the churches they grew up in. Their memory of the experience in their youth is a constant filter for how they interpret what the church is today. They are torn because while there are some things they feel as though they must reject, they are drawn to the community, to the mystery, and to the concrete acts of service of the church. I found myself saying, "I don't believe in the God you don't believe in either" and longing to be able to bear witness to all that I find is good and right and beautiful with the particular community of faith to which I serve and belong. And I thought again about how accurate David was in the challenges he raised for us.

On one level, meeting the needs of many generations in a rapidly changing society is overwhelming. We certainly cannot continue doing all of the same old things we have always been doing and expect that it will be satisfying, sufficient, or even faithful.

But it is also a hopeful time. Phyllis Tickle suggests that the church goes through a "rummage sale" every 500 years when it is able to keep what is helpful and get rid of what is not. We are certainly living through that time right now. On Thursday I began reading a new book by my colleague and friend, Phil Snyder. The book, Toward a Hopeful Future: Why the Emergent Church is Good News for Mainline Congregations is a breath of fresh air and I can't wait to keep reading.

Perhaps if there are enough us who are willing to stay with this "rummage sale" we will be able to be what the church requires for the future.

Samson

Today I am referring to my dog, not the Biblical character. Samson has been my companion for nearly thirteen years; however, when Dale and I were married seven years ago -Dale won Samson's heart as quickly as he won mine. When Dale is here, he tends to Samson's every need - which has been growing steadily over the past couple of years. As Samson has joined the senior ranks, his age is showing. His hearing is all but gone. His eyesight is obviously strained. His assortment of meds have become an important daily ritual. He barks more and more .. we wonder if it is because he can't hear himself!

When I have a day at home, it rarely passes without my taking a quick "refresher" nap. It used to be that Samson could anticipate my napping; he would race in front of me, and leap up on our bed to join me. Sometimes, if he wasn't paying attention, I would say, "Samson, come on! It's our favorite time of the day!" It has been nearly a year since he has been able to leap up on our bed, and so his interest in our "favorite time of the day" seems to have been waning.

This past weekend our home was unusually quiet; it was just Samson and me. I found myself paying more attention to his barking, and to the needs that were behind it. For several days in a row Samson started barking each time I laid down. This was after our walk. And after getting a treat, or two. Tired and ready to sleep, I was frustrated. We got up to go out again. There was more barking. I gave him yet another treat. There was more barking. Finally, it dawned on me: Samson wanted up on the bed! With a gentle scoop, I placed Samson on the end of the bed and he was perfectly content. The gentle scoop has become our new nighttime ritual.

I keep thinking about how often we must pacify those around us with "treats" because we fail to understand someones real need and desire. As humans, we have the advantage of speech but we often resort to our own forms of barking - irritability, unnecessary comments, withdrawal. Samson has inspired me to try to listen more closely to those who seem to be barking, and to try to articulate my needs more clearly to those I love.

Waking Up

I must confess I have conflicted feelings about my blackberry. Well, no, I actually like my blackberry very much, but I have become increasingly sensitive to how my blackberry (or, rather my looking at it and using it) can be a distraction to personal relationships. A friend and I were out with our two sons this past week and we (my friend and I) both reached for our blackberries at some point in the conversation to google the topic of conversation. Our boys immediately picked up on the fact that their mothers were using their phones during dinner! I was embarrassed. My husband is great about leaving his phone at home when we go out for a date, but I can’t do that. I protest that I can’t leave it behind .. someone might need me, but then I have been quick to pick up for something that I know is not an emergency. It is hard for me to just let the phone ring or press “ignore.”

I will continue to struggle with appropriate blackberry etiquette, but I have discovered one wonderful thing about the blackberry: I can wake up and reach over to receive some daily inspiration before I ever get out of bed in the morning. After I have pressed the snooze once or twice, my groggy hands reach out for my phone and I fumble at the keys to read three emails that are sent in the very early morning hours every day. I only have to have my eyes open to enter this spiritual discipline. It is a great way to wake up in the morning … I think of it as simmering time – those moments when I am awake but not at full boil: a perfect time to reflect and ponder.

Here are the sites that shoot me a morning email:

http://www.gratefulness.org/

http://i.ucc.org/FeedYourSpirit/Subscribe/tabid/101/Default.aspx

http://www.cacradicalgrace.org/getconnected/subscribe.php

Made Whole

What if we weren’t alone after all?

What if you were really a fragment of a

Great and glorious mind

Like an individual wave

Is part of the magnificent ocean?

Then anything would be possible.

This poem, by Joan Borysenko, captured my feeling as I left our Service for Healing of Body, Mind and Spirit yesterday. During the service everyone had the opportunity to write prayer concerns that were then shared during an intercessory prayer at the end of the service. The mounting of concerns – Haiti, cancer, marital difficulties, financial concerns, and more – could have been overwhelming to some, but I experienced it differently. As I watched person after person bring forward their concerns, and I had the honor of giving them voice, I was reminded of how every single person faces challenges. Every single person present had something weighing on his or her heart. Often we bear these burdens silently, but yesterday we named them out loud, and I felt us pulling together. Through this process, I felt a deeper connection with all who were present. I also felt a sense of hopefulness that God will help bring us through our personal and collective trials and make us stronger.

As I prepared for this healing service I was very aware that there were some people in our midst who were praying for cures so that they might be made well. I share in their hope and prayer, but I also have found myself reflecting on what it means to be well, what it means to be “made whole.” As I looked out on the congregation I saw persons who are filled with vitality, creativity, and a love for life who happen to have a disability. I saw persons who move a little more slowly and need to have some things repeated every so often because they are losing their hearing, but whose very lives embody love and wisdom. I saw persons who live with cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and Parkinson’s who exude an inner peace and a reverence for life that bears witness to the living Christ within them.

My favorite communion chalice is a cup that appears as though it was broken and put back together again. For me, it resembles not only what happened with Jesus but happens with all of us. God welcomes and loves us, however it is that we are; God takes all of the broken pieces, nurturing and shaping us into something that is perfectly whole and all the more beautiful. Today, I am giving thanks for all of the people who make up this community of faith, who through sharing their brokenness as well as their strengths, make a beautiful whole.

Resolutions?

Here is an interesting approach to new year's resolutions. Mary Yost, in her blog, suggests that we have the whole thing backwards. She writes,

By making resolutions at the beginning of the year, it's like we slap our worst flaws on a neon sign and then announce to the world what we are likely to fail at in the coming year.

If you are really committed to doing whatever it is that you "resolve" to do in the new year, wouldn't you have done it already? And if something really is a resolution, doesn't that word mean a problem has already been fixed?

Instead, as one year winds down and we plow toward the next, we continue the bad behaviors and problem habits that we swear we're going to address as we flip the calendar over.

My New Year's Day thoughts played with this notion yesterday. What if we instead celebrate the fresh new calendar by acknowledging our successes of the previous year? Wouldn't that give us extra momentum to deal with our shortcomings throughout the year so that we really will have new victories to hail with the new year?

I love this idea! What successes are you celebrating that you can build on? What do you see at St. John's that can give us extra momentum as we move forward in 2010? What other strategies help you stay focused on what is most important?

The light shines in the darkness

Christmas is upon us. As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ, I am aware that there are many around me who are grieving sudden and difficult losses. Today I am holding these people in prayer, praying that as they show up to places where they likely don't feel like going, they will experience the peace of Christ and the love of God in ways that bring them comfort and strength, even joy.

One of the great blessings of my work is that I must "show up" even when I don't feel like it. I need to read and reflect on scripture every week. I need to come to worship. And when I simply show up and pay attention I am nearly always blessed by the people around me, by the scripture I read, and by the Spirit which is so evident to me in this place. Woody Allen said "80% of life is just showing up."

It may take everything some people have this week to get out of bed, to attend a funeral service, to wish someone "Merry Christmas," or enter our church doors for our Christmas Eve service. I am praying that God gives each of these people the strength to "simply show up." And the blessing will follow.

"The light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not be overcome." John 1:5